to my original blog site www.franticmindofka3na.blogspot.com due to security reasons. My post are being deleted by my husband when he doesn’t like it. Regular programming resumes when I get my monitor fixed.t

Not Christmas list. I’m making a list of goals and plans for next year. Normaly, I don’t make new year reslutions, it upsets me when I can’t do it. For the first time in my lfe I’m making one. So here are the promises to myself:

1.  Never let my personal life affect my job. I learned this the hardest way.

2.  Never give up so easily.

3.  To depend only to God and myself.

4.  To be punctual.

5.  To save money.

 and if I break one of these, I just hope I won’t.

There are certain things in life we wanted to change and start all over again. If only it is possible. I’ve made thousands of mistakes, some I don’t regret, some I do. But there are mistakes that are irreversible, and those irreversible mistakes will be my burden for the rest of my existence.

Love.  Is it real? Is it felt in the heart? Or is it just an emotion? I’ve felt love as an emotion so many times, but I felt love as pain for the longest time. I believe I fell in love only once for my twenty-three years of living, and I fell for the wrong person. A person, who I believe was destined for someone else, and when a person is destined and loves someone else, no matter how you try to work things out, you will just never be happy. There is a mixed feeling, you are happy to be with him but you ache every other moment. Then you ask yourself, ‘Will we be happier apart? Or will I ache more when we are apart?’ You wanted to try but you are afraid you can’t have him back once you let go. ‘What if his life goes on and mine won’t?’ These questions bothers you yet you are afraid to try things, so everyday you try to work it out and you always get the same result, and you wonder again how far would you go on.

There are times when you argue about things, and you argue all the time until you forget what you argued all about. You love to blame the other and the other hits you back then every conversation becomes pointless  and a time will come when you don’t talk about anything anymore. He comes home to eat dinner, take a shower and go to bed. Little conversations like ‘How are the kids? Have they eaten enough?’ It hurts you because you can’t talk about anything else. You wanted to reach out to the other but you are afraid the other will just shut you off. You pity yourself and you keep wishing that tomorrow will be different, so you cry yourself to sleep.

When tomorrow starts all over again, the same shit happens, same painful day, you escape reality and lock yourself to your own world where no pain can touch you, where you get to play god. You have a world where you make things happen, where happy ending exists. Writing helps you a lot as an escape, but it doesn’t change the real situation.

You envy other couples because they are perfect for each other and you hate yourself because you are miserable. When you are miserable, you infect other people, then you hate almost everything. You pretend to be happy, you pretend to be perfect but the pain shows even more and you know you can’t fool anybody. You ask God why can’t you have something like they got, then it gets worst everyday and you want to end your life and hope it’s the end of everything, but before you cut yourself, a question pops in your head, ‘Soulmates, is it real? Or is it something someone invented so that death is something to look forward to, rather than feared?’ Then, another question comes up, ‘Who is my soulmate? Is it a person I love? Is it someone I’ve never met in real life?’

Now there’s a little hope, so you put the blade away. ‘Maybe, if I move on, someone better will come and will change everything in my life.’ If not, the blade is at safe place and you retrieve it, use it for an easy way out of all the miserable things that happened in your life and hope that hell doesn’t exist.

Has Wordpress been weird lately? Or is it just me? I’ve been reposting this entry for the 6th time now. The text or the pictures disappear each time I update this post. Moving on, I received an email from a friend containing these pictures below.

This asshole is caught in action.

Sons of bitches. Please help stop this monstrosity by signing this petition. Click me.

Dolphins are too beautiful creatures to be treated this way. Harmless Calderon dolphins are slaughtered brutally, bleeding them to death. This happens yearly at Feroe island in Denmark. Most participants for this activity are male teens to prove their “manhood”. Bull crap! What is so manly about killing harmless animals? Feroe Danes must be a bunch of wusses.

I am saddened that I did not get a tattoo this year of October. I had vowed to get at least one every October but due to unfortunate events, it was cancelled ( sighs). Anyway, I am a huge fan of  Kat Von D and Chris Garver of Miami Ink. My skin is itching. I want more art on my skin. To see Kat and Chris’ designs, click on their names to be directed to their websites. I’m envious. I’m thinking what tattoo I should get next year.

I just want to say, I am proud of Ian Cabrido’s work on my tattoo last year. A fairy sitting on the moon.

Original design by Ami James of Miami Ink. I like Ian’s revision on the moon. Ami’s was plain banana look a like but still very good.

As a child, I had developed an inexplicable sense. Clairvoyance as some people call it, others say it was just my imagination. I feared what I had back then, I hear things others can’t, see things others can’t, feel things others don’t. I remember praying and asking God not to give me that gift. I fear more than understand and I had always been a scaredy cat. (As for Migue, “scaredy boy” because he’s not a cat.) I couldn’t remember my first encounter because there were lots. One was a lady floating from a distance, I hear small people talking in a language I don’t understand from the bathroom, a lady in white passed by my friend’s garden while we were having fun. In high school, I saw my self sleeping on the bed. I was sure I wasn’t dreaming. Everything looked so real. My room, my physical body sleeping, I even glanced at the watch to see if I over slept because I need to wake up before 6am. Then it occurred to me that I was apart from my body. I was frightened and the next thing happened, I rose from my bed with my physical body. I realized that the only way to get rid of those bizarre things was to think logically or simply by not believing what I saw.

Those extraterrestrial things didn’t bother me again until I was unaware of my first pregnancy. I hear Ernel’s voice when I was asleep, calling me. I woke up seeing him in front of me wearing my friend’s t-shirt that was given to him few days ago. Then I go back to sleep and suddenly I realize that it is impossible for Ernel to be in my room. I woke up in a shock. This happened 3 times and I told Ernel who was still my boyfriend back then. It scared the hell out of him too and he told me to ignore it next time it calls me back. I often have bangungut, and in that bangungut, I see strange hands holding my hands tight so I couldn’t move or even smoky figures in front of me. Every time this happens, I pray to God and the bangungut stops. The bangunguts stopped after I found out I was pregnant. It was like telling me to take care of myself because I used to play Chinese garter and “tried” skim boarding before I knew. When I was six months pregnant with Migue, I heard someone making a psssssssssssssssst sound while I was totally alone in our dormitory. In my house at Lapu-lapu, almost every late night, we hear someone or something knock on my glass door. Each time we look, no one is there. I sometimes call Ernel on the phone telling him to hurry home because something invisible was scolding me in an English language. Great! I have an English speaking ghost in my house.

I’ve never been on drugs. Have I gotten mad? Whatever you call it. I realize that I have to understand these things rather than fear them. If you believe in God, you have to believe in spirits, ghosts, demons, angels and other extraterrestrial things. I have no experience lately other than hearing things fall from the second floor on my sister-in-law’s boutique even when no one is upstairs. I think it’s impossible for rats moving heavy boxes or pushing them down to fall. Strange.

On writing this blog is not inspired by the “Paranormal Activity” movie. The movie was Ok and I give it 3 and ½ star. My top scariest movie still is the original Thai version of “Shutter”.

I don’t usually talk about “love for the country” I find the topic hypocritical and “O.A” (over acting- a vernacular term we Cebuanos say when one is being mushy, sensitive and over reacts). Patriotism is a sensitive topic for me. I cringe when people starts talking about it. Back in high school we were told to compose an essay about it. I never got the perfect score, at least I got a passing one. I find it ridiculous when people rally on the streets for what they believe in, for heaven’s sake, you people put that man on his seat and you rallied against him years after. Where is your loyalty? Does EDSA I, EDSA II ring a bell? And why are celebrities running for candidacy?

Last night, my husband and I talked about patriotism again. We also talked about it 2 nights ago when I started reading Marlene Aguilar’s (Freddy’s sister) coffee table book “Warriors Of Heaven”. We were in the National Bookstore, a place I always go when I need to clear my mind. I love reading book titles. I have the habit of going to bookstores since I was a child to cheer myself up. I love seeing nice things. Colored papers, pens, notebooks, books, stationeries etc. As I was browsing on the Philippine Literature section, I told Ernelle that I was looking for Marlene Aguilar’s new book. I must’ve looked on the wrong section or maybe the book is not distributed here in Cebu yet, because I didn’t find it. Sensing that my husband is getting bored with this usual activity of mine, I told him why I was looking for the book.
“I need to read books from people who are my opposite, they help me open my mind and see what’s in theirs.” Fuck grammar. I continued, “I need Marlene Aguilar’s book to help me develop a love for this country.”
“I hate people who hates their country and who are very much influenced by the west.” Ernel said. I love this man because he argue things with me.
“No, I don’t hate Philippines, I just don’t have the love for it.” I replied. “It’s the system I hate not the country, and the people who are given the power to rule disgusts me because of their corruption. We are not like the Koreans who are patriots, when each gave their savings to save their country.” I broke the seriousness of the conversation by saying “This is so eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewww, like, I hate talking about this.”
“The Philippines is wonderful.” He said. That is why I love him, because he say few things but very striking.

Last night, we talked about it after the topic shifted from a haunted house our Korean neighbors live in, to patriotism again. He had encouraged me to read my brother-in-law’s blog which featured an essay of a Korean student who came in this country for education.
MY SHORT ESSAY ABOUT THE PHILIPPINES
by: Jae Youn Kim
click here to read all about it.

“You are so anti-Philippines” he imposed. We argued again.
“I am not anti and I don not hate the country. There’s difference between hate and just not loving it. Why do you keep imposing that? I am not one of those who dream of leaving the country to find greener pasture on foreign lands and change their citizenship.”
“I don’t know. I do not remember things.”
“I need inspiration.” This is where Freddy and Marlene comes in. I didn’t realize that the song “Anak” by Freddy Aguilar was about the Filipino people and not the literal “anak”. I used to think, is Meagan a bad daughter?

Let’s not forget that our national hero is a writer. I’m inspired.